How to know if You are living a Shame Based Identity.

How to know if you have a Shame Based Identity

So you're traveling along life's highway, and you seem to be doing okay. From the outside, you may even look great. But deep inside, you feel like an imposter.

Maybe you're too aggressive. Maybe you're not aggressive enough. You call yourself a people pleaser, or you've read about imposter syndrome and thought, "That's me." At work, you might be a perfectionist — or a little passive-aggressive, finding fault everywhere you look.

You've talked to a counselor. You've been to the events and the retreats. And you still come back to the same conclusion: you're different. There's a sense of something looming "out there" that could swallow you whole.

Some of us cover that feeling with an aggressive stance. Others sink into depression, or swing back and forth between the two. Whatever form it takes, at the end of the day, deep inside, you feel like something is wrong with you. You're not like everyone else. You can never quite measure up. And you feel stuck.

The Root: A Shame-Based Identity

As a relationship and business coach, I often find a shame-based identity at the center of this thinking. You never feel like enough. You never feel okay. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop — or for the hammer to come down.

Maybe you compensate by striking first: being the first to criticize, the first to put others "in their place." But none of it fills the void inside. Left unchecked, shame can drive you to sabotage even a great relationship.

Shame Is Not Guilt

A shame-based identity can have deep roots — in your mind, your psyche, and your physiology. And shame is not the same as guilt.

Guilt says, "I did something wrong." It pushes you to seek resolution and to avoid repeating the behavior.

Shame says, "I am something wrong." It turns everything inward, reinforcing the belief that you are unworthy — that you are simply never enough. And here's the cruel twist: shame actually makes it more likely you'll repeat the very behavior you're ashamed of.

That's why addiction, depression, and even aggression so often turn out to be symptoms of a shame-based identity. Shame is a powerful taskmaster, and it enslaves the people who live under it.

The Two Questions We All Ask

The truth is, most of us carry the same two questions: Am I enough? and Can I be loved?

A shame-based identity makes those questions much harder to answer — because shame has already answered them for you, and its answer is no.

Hard to See From the Inside

A shame-based identity is very hard to recognize from within, and sometimes hard to spot even as a coach. Many people live their entire lives in it, never feeling they have value. Research on shame across the lifespan suggests it runs strongest in the teenage years, eases somewhat through middle adulthood, and can come back like a lion as we age.

What Happens When the Wall Melts

In my coaching practice, clients with a shame-based identity are often the most challenging — and the most rewarding. When we break through that solid titanium wall of shame around their hearts and souls, and it finally melts, I'm amazed at the wonderful, loving people who emerge.

Is Shame Running Your Life?

Are you living from a shame-based identity? An introductory coaching session can help you find out.Jack Stanley B.C.C.

  Jack

Jack Stanley, B.C.C., is a Board Certified Coach and founder of Stanley Coaching in Cedar Park, Texas.

schedule a free intro coaching session below. or email jack@stanleycoaching.com phone 512 269 8023